Thank God For Girls

The girl in the pastry shop

With the net in her hair

Is making a cannoli for you

To take on your hiking trip

In the woods with your bros

That you’ve known since second grade

And you may encounter dragons or ruffians

And be called upon to employ your testosterone

In a battle for supremacy

And access to females glued to the TV

And even if you are victorious

You may receive many cuts, bruises, and scrapes

And you will require Band-Aids

And antiseptic ointments

And tender-loving kisses on your stab wounds

And when you come home she will be there

Waiting for you with a fire in her eyes

And a big fat cannoli to shove in your mouth

And that's why I

Thank God for girls

Holla Jesu Christe

From Tennessee to L.A.

Thank God for girls

On your reckoning day

You better bow down and pray

She’s so big

She’s so strong

She’s so energetic

In her sweaty overalls

Thank God for girls

Thank God for girls

I'm so glad I got a girl to think of

Even though she isn't mine

I think about her all the day and all the night

It's enough to know that she's alive

She says I give her sweaty palms

She almost had a heart attack

The truth is that I’m just as scared

I don’t know how to act

I wish that I could get to know her better

But meeting up in real life

Would cause the illusion to shatter

I carved her name into all the trees

Sang a song down on one knee

Looking at the underwear page of the Sears catalog

Like when I was fourteen

I’m levitating like a magnet turned the wrong way around

I’m like an Indian fakir tryin' to meditate

On a bed of nails with my pants pulled down

Thank God for girls

Holla Jesu Christe

From Tennessee to L.A.

Thank God for girls

On your reckoning day

You better bow down and pray

She’s so big

She’s so strong

She’s so energetic in her sweaty overalls

Thank God for girls

Thank God for girls

God took a rib from Adam

Ground it up in a centrifuge machine

Mixed it with cardamom and cloves

Microwaved it on the popcorn setting

While Adam was like "that really hurts!"

(Going off into the tundra)

So pissed at God

And he started lighting minor forest fires

Stealing osprey eggs

Messing with the bees

Who were trying to pollinate the echinacea

Until God said, "I'm-a smite you with loneliness

And break your heart in two"

And Adam wept and wailed

Tearing out his hair

Falling on his knees

Looked to the sky and said

"Thank God"